The holiday season is upon us, which means we’ll spend the majority of our waking hours searching for neckties at a local shopping mall, when not engaged in the herculean task of securing a parking space within a similar time zone of the mall, lest the more unfit among us suffer a festive holiday heart attack.

Now, most of us typically circle the lot until we find the one available remaining space, somewhat akin to the wise men searching for the manger of the Baby Jesus, except we’re bearing cash and credit cards rather than myrrh, because no one knows what myrrh is. Finding an empty space before other holiday shoppers beat us to it is a cause of tremendous joy. So valuable is this space that, each year across our great nation, violent brawls break out among drivers eager to embrace the Christmas spirit by pummeling their fellow man to death with an ice scraper. Holiday shoppers don't fool around. They have neckties to buy. Also, scarves and other stuff that nobody needs.

Another parking strategy is to aggressively drive behind a pedestrian who is loaded with bags and appears headed for her car. The key to this plan, however, is to follow on her heels so closely that she grows alarmed and is forced to sprint to her vehicle, thus saving valuable time.

In lieu of that strategy, a helpful colleague passed along a press release from a business called AmeriPark. According to this press release, "AmeriPark maintains its focus on the emerging lifestyle malls with restaurants and entertainment expanding the shopping experience to include parking." It also says, "AmeriPark has exclusive relationships with the top four retail REIT’s in the US," and even though most of us don't know what an REIT is, we instinctively understand it does not require an apostrophe before the letter S. These people are parking operators, after all, and not English majors.

Anyway, the good people of AmeriPark wrote to my colleague Brad with the following:

"Hello Brad,

Would you be interested in a story on how to survive mall parking this holiday season?"

Brad for some reason wasn't intrigued, pointing out that surviving mall parking wasn't as hard as, say, surviving the Vietnam War. But he knew I'd be interested, as I'm always looking for ways to improve the lives of my readers, especially at this time of year when people need a break and I need a column.

"Holiday shopping should be a time of great cheer, but it can often turn the jolliest elf into a Scrooge," it read. "From crowds to long lines to items on backorder, one thing that doesn’t have to be a concern is mall parking."

The first tip: "Embrace Valet Parking. Congestion at malls this time of year can be chaotic. Valet parking offers an alternative for shoppers to conveniently find a parking spot with little stress."

2. “Plan Ahead: Establish a game plan before you leave home. Know what stores you are going to shop at to help plan where you will park. By doing so, you can cut down on extra driving and the congestion it causes.”

(No normal human does this. Even if they do, they grow quickly disoriented by holiday songs such as “Santa Baby” that blare incessantly from mall loudspeakers with the intensity of the wake-up music piped throughout the North Korean capital of Pyongyang).

3. “Use technology: Many valet programs are now ticketless, your phone number is your new ticket. This advancement allows you to pay and tip electronically and call for your car ahead of time.”

4. “Look for deals: While people often avoid valet parking because of the cost, many valet stands offer promotions for parking with them. Many participating stores and restaurants offer discounts to shoppers that chose to valet park.”

By this point, I began to sense a subtle theme here. This is because AmeriPark, in addition to its selfless desire to make life better for people compelled to exchange needless ties and scarves with each other, also happens to serve and represent the valet parking industry. Essentially, then, this two-page press release could be summed up in a single sentence: “Life is short. Just use a valet, already.”

But I believe it’s wise for us to focus our thoughts and energy on shopping mall parking, because it serves as a healthy distraction from the real issues facing our nation this holiday season. For example, if we weren’t so concerned about parking, we’d be troubled that President Donald Trump Wednesday recognized Jerusalem as Israel’s capital and announced plans to relocate the U.S. embassy there, a move expected to inflame tensions and unsettle the prospects for peace. The fact that Trump is behaving like the proverbial bull in a Middle East china shop is no real surprise, of course, even though everyone with smaller brains had expected his son-in-law Jared to have solved the peace problem by now.

Or maybe we’d feel disconcerted that the president of the United States has endorsed a man accused of sexual misconduct with teenage girls for the U.S. Senate, or perhaps we’d be shocked to learn that virtually every man on planet earth appears to be a disgusting pig in private, or that everyone surrounding the Trump administration claims they’re ignorant about all things Russia, to the point that Donald Trump Jr. recently identified Putin as “a type of fish” to House investigators.

So by all means, let’s obsess about parking. And don’t forget to tip your valet, preferably with a generous handful of myrrh.